


Lotus of the Heart

by blooddiamonds61



Category: Unspecified Fandom
Genre: Character Death, Cutting, Death, Drugs, Other, References to Drugs, School Shootings, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 12:08:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18660133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blooddiamonds61/pseuds/blooddiamonds61
Summary: A collection of poems I wrote over the course of months





	Lotus of the Heart

Poems  
Suicide  
Sitting in my room bleeding from my wrist  
Punching posers with my fist  
Trying hard to not be like this  
Crying out not worth a piss  
Bleedin Bleedin Bleedin from my wrist  
My friends dying leaving me thinkin maybe I should try this

School  
Sitting in the bleachers, bleach in my bag  
A drink from the old hag, what a drag  
Kids callin me a fag leaves me grabbin a mag  
I’ma do what I’ll do my hate up for grabs

Alone  
Crying in my room, lost and alone  
A knife guiding me back from the deep  
Crazy just like me, bleeding for all to see

Growth  
I quit the drugs and tried to grow  
Grew too tall, fell back to the drugs  
Wishing I was dead, always ODing  
Tossing and turning, crying out  
Demons growing inside my head taking over  
Pain so much pain, but I just wanna leave  
Just wanna die

Lost and Found  
Lost in the music, losing my mind  
Searching for it, just finding problems  
Just found drugs and anger  
Lost my mom, left dad in a gutter  
Anger slowly consuming me, grief growing

 

Pain and Paper  
All this pain  
All this hurt and for what  
Bleeding on the paper, crying on the page  
Dying outside, crying inside

 

Hero or Zero  
A hero to my siblings, but a villain to myself  
A zero to friends, but I’m just chillin  
Trying to die with a pillow, this feeling is killing  
Demons lurking below, swimming like a million  
Leaving me picking up ammo  
That missed shot so narrow  
They say it was like winning the lotto  
What is this thing dragging me like a string  
Leaves me without a grin, looking for next of kin

Light and Dark  
Death and morality  
Fostering loss and hate  
Without no love or hope  
Life without death is no life  
Light and dark  
No one without the other  
Spreading misery and hate  
Joy and hope  
Festering like a wound till you break  
What do you choose to feel

Choices  
Alone, brooding in hate  
Surrounded, basking in love  
One with drugs, the other people  
Yin and Yang  
Light Dark  
What to choose  
What to do  
Opposites  
Imperfect but Perfect  
Different but Content  
Bigger but Happy  
Broken but Stronger  
Beaten and Bruised  
Braver and Better

The Point  
Suicide, the only real escape  
Escape from these falsehoods  
These addictions  
This hate  
This death  
Everyday asking the point  
Searching for it  
Craving it, yet hating it  
Everyday told another lie  
Lie of hope  
Lie of love  
Another day of hating myself  
Another addiction switch  
Drugs, cuts, starve, eat, love, hate

Feelings  
Scars, always burning, never healing  
Throes of passion, hate, and love  
Always seeking help, but never asking  
Never crying but always dying  
My palms sweating, inside I’m crying  
I miss them, but I can’t join them  
Not yet  
Mask  
Running  
Running  
Scared  
Terrified  
No place to go, nowhere to run, no way to escape  
Voices, the darkness, him, the skin crawlers, the rats  
Noone will listen  
Always running never facing it  
Always wearing a mask of I’m fine or I’m happy  
This mask glued to my face  
Me terrified to take it off  
Always wishing someone will tell me it’s ok

Emotion  
The hate  
The anger  
The pain  
The sorrow  
Getting lost in it all wanting to die  
Wanting to cry

What We Wear  
Are we what we wear  
Well I’m wearing scars  
I think I I wear them better than Mother

Inside  
Damaged inside  
Crying, dying, lying  
Feeling, hating  
Feeling, hurting  
Prying, trying  
Healing while dying, just trying

Origin and Destination  
Heaven sent, nah  
Hellbound, yeah

 

Demons  
The demons claw and claw, never letting go  
Stuck in my skin, made of poison and hate  
Cutting myself open, trying to get free  
Screaming please oh please help me, oh so silently  
But I am just me  
Never  
To  
Be  
Set  
Free

S  
Holding a corpse, covered in blood  
Hearing their screams, never ceasing, just bleeding  
Holding onto their pain and hurt  
Letting go meaning they’ll truly fade and die

Escape  
Taking drugs, getting high  
Running, escaping  
Cutting, dying  
Laughing, lying  
Hating, biding  
Just here trying  
Inside crying

Screaming  
What’s one more day screaming  
One more day crying  
When you’re just a bullet and trigger away from dying

Your Child  
Father, you’ll never understand will ya  
Mother, you’ll never care will ya  
Your child screaming and crying  
In pain, always fighting  
Always lying  
Inside dying

 

Voices  
This voice in my head  
Eye opening  
Head hurting  
Skull splitting  
Gun begging

Mind  
What do you do when your mind’s always clawing and raking  
Never ceasing  
What do you do when you’re here just existing  
Never believing

Parents  
Always fighting, screaming, hitting, hating  
Childhood  
Running and running, hiding in games, drugs, and books  
Always feeling hunger and anger, turning it inward leaving others be  
Trying to be sweet, just a mask hiding a demon  
Always blending in  
Always others  
Never me  
Ducking hate, hitting trees  
Put in a dress  
Broken and beat, unable to move  
Starved and starving, eating then puking, cutting, getting high  
I hurt them and they died  
Not good enough for them to stay  
Developed a habit, tried to kick it  
Built walls, hid alone with the hurt  
Let her in, she tried to take it on for me, she wouldn’t stop  
Left to protect her, wanting to end her hurt, vowing to be back still  
18 Now that life’s over  
Starting a new one, trying to let go, but failing  
Success or Death

Pain  
Trying to remember the pain  
Pulling at that string  
Begging  
Praying to remember

Greatness  
Given the chance, he could've been great  
He was chilling with his mates  
A gun to his head filled with hate

Ghosts of the Past  
Every day I wake up and cry  
I look in the mirror and hate what I see  
Fat, ugly, stupid, bad  
I've changed but I just see the past me and his sins  
Vile, cruel, twisted, dark  
The past haunts me but no other sees it

Attempt  
I got slits on my wrist  
Bruises on my fist  
The Glock done missed

God Persists  
I’m pissed my Glock done missed, punched it with my fist  
Slit open my wrist, put in plenty of grit  
My tears makin a mist, what a twist  
May be a baptist, but why does God insist I stay  
Should just be a cultist, so he’ll desist  
Me and this knife coexist, maybe I’ll enlist  
Won’t cease and desist, maybe get on a blacklist  
Now you know the gist, and I’m pissed

Fuck up  
Slitting my wrist, bae at her best  
A fuck up like me throwing my fist  
Quit the drugs, behaving like a bitch  
What a trip, behaving like this  
A basket case, not worth a shit  
They left like the others, real quick

 

Flowering Life  
Life is like a flower  
It blossoms, blooms, births, dies  
It grows and withers all without a point  
Without a purpose  
It follows its light, never ceasing, never giving up  
Always resilient until the very end  
Always perpetually there

Cuts  
One Cut…  
Two Cut……  
Three Cut……..  
Four…………………….  
One to the wrist  
Two to the arm  
Three to the leg  
Four to the neck…

Drifting  
I cling to the past  
And wallow in the future  
Drifting along  
No point in sight  
Forever alone  
Nobody to help  
Noone to care

Knives and Guns  
A knife in my bag with a bloody washrag  
Took some skag to make the wound less of a drag  
Stabbed myself cuz they called me a fag  
They still acting royal like a stag  
They said don’t mean to brag  
So I grabbed a mag, gonna play some bullet tag

 

A Slow Poison  
Admiration, despair, hope  
She brings out the best of me  
Life, love, joy  
I feel all when I’m with her  
Her smile stops my heart  
Killing me when she’s gone  
Do I love her or leave her

My Ex  
Stopping my heart as she does  
So sure she stopped the pain  
Love, life, war, death  
How will this one end

High School  
High school, a fresh start or fresh trauma  
Drugs, abuse, alcohol, hate  
Not bad kids, just scared  
Easily influenced and easily broken  
Life hurting, suicide seeking kids  
Oh what a world we live in

 

Overdose  
Just ODed, going down slowly with a smile  
Friends worried about me  
Family caring about me  
What is this feeling  
A natural high  
Happiness  
I don't want to die  
I don't want to leave  
I want to stay  
Want to live  
Everything’s fading to black  
Everything’s going now  
Please don't take me  
I love them, I’ll miss them  
Goodbye  
Hospital  
The smell of alcohol crisp on my nose  
A needle in my arm  
Blood drip dropping into a vial  
My heart beating erratically  
My fate to be determined

Blood  
The smell of iron wafting through my nose  
Blood drip drip dropping out her arm  
In a panic trying to save her  
Another failure

Traits  
Oh devil gonna pass it on  
For they think I’m the only one  
Pass on this hate and fear  
Pass on these scars and tears

 

Hope, Life, and Peace  
Once I saw hope in the sky  
Life in the trees  
And peace on the ground  
Now I see sorrow, despair, and death  
I long to see the shining life  
The flying hope  
And the chittering peace

Sorrow and Pain  
Sorrow and pain are the only things I feel  
All this hate boiling inside me  
My own feelings making me sick

Darkness  
All of us have darkness  
A blight inside of us  
But lying dormant is a shining light inside all of us

Shame  
Fat, ugly, stupid  
These are all me  
And I am all of these

 

A Letter to Mother  
Dear mom  
Why don’t you love me, what did your son do  
Why do you hit and scar me

Fines on the Mind  
I lose my mind when I can't keep track of time  
I dance a fine line  
Am I sane or did I just pay a fine  
I think I just paid with my mind

Sanity  
Sanity is a fleeting thing  
Blowing in the wind  
Fickle as a leaf

Taunting  
Grieving her suicide  
The undertaker laughing at me  
Death taunting me

Migraine  
This pain inside my head  
Never ending  
Never Ceasing

My Mind  
Multiple Personality  
A war inside my head  
Never ceasing, never relenting, always retaliating

Hide and Seek  
Like a lamp in the dark  
The soul searches for the body  
And what it finds is grotesque

Searching  
We search the deep  
Never finding what we’re looking for  
Always lost

Trespassing  
A glaring light in a graveyard  
A man homeless yet at home  
Finally finding where he is at peace

Bullets  
School, a battlefield  
Where bullets rain day after wretched day  
Kids dying inside more and more

Secrets of the Past  
The solemn watchman stands guard  
Protecting the secrets of the dead  
Lest they kill the living

Corruption  
This bitterness inside me  
It corrupts and destroys me  
When will I be able to let go

Devils of Man  
Soul stealing  
Soul searching  
The devils of man

Friends  
One friend suicidal, one manic  
Torn between who to help  
Dying for both, leaving nothing for me  
Praying they’ll both be ok

Best Friends  
I miss them  
My best friends, the living and the dead  
The ones that left, the ones that hate me,  
The ones that I’ll never get to see again


End file.
